“In dealing with those who are undergoing great suffering, if you feel “burnout” setting in, if you feel demoralized and exhausted, it is best, for the sake of everyone, to withdraw and restore yourself. The point is to have a long-term perspective.” - Dalai Lama
I haven’t blogged much over the past six months. My personal life has been going through many shifts. Upheaval sounds like a good descriptor. The result is not only a lag in blogging. There are lags in other areas of productivity in my life as well. I have felt extremely vigilant in preserving my time alone. Sometimes, the time alone has been for brooding. Most of the time has been for thinking, nothingness and planning. Transitions are not very comfortable ever. Some comfort zones can be breeding grounds for stunted growth. I like growth unstunted. I have come to the understanding that self care has always got to be job one. Believing that I am somehow too busy to take self care moments to stop lead to the devastation of my soul. I hit one of the darkest times ever in my life. I’m not trying to sound dramatic. It was traumatic.
“We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.” ~ Maya Angelou
What I’ve learned about myself is that I like to hear many different takes on a situation first. After that I like to go off alone to deliberate and come to my own conclusions. My close circle is the jury but ultimately it is my courtroom. I make all the final decisions. I am very much a loner at heart. I enjoy keeping company with myself very much. It is really important for me right now to hunker down and take that time to recharge. It’s a challenge, especially being a performer. Also, I’m a worker bee. I don’t like feeling as if I am not moving forward, closer to goals or simply putting in the full effort it takes to be an independent performer. However, the universe always takes care of me. Unexpected helping hands extend toward me in unexpected ways. It could be friends making sure that I eat (even if it means coming to my door to get me). It can be long time friends sending me texts just to make sure I’m ok in here by myself. It can be a residual check from a past gig. I get sign after sign that I am supported. I get the message loud and clear that it is OK to be in a space of not knowing. It is totally acceptable sometimes to just stop.
“Let your heart guide you. It whispers, so listen carefully.” ~ Littlefoot’s mother, Land Before Time
I’m enjoying the slower pace. I’m enjoying getting eight hours of sleep whenever possible. I’m happy that I have been working out several times a week. I feel much better making healthier food choices more days than not. I even gave up sugar for 30 days. I chose not to beat myself up for the times I slipped. I’m letting myself have the space to cry it all out. I have been very careful about who I share what with. I’ve been accepting of the support I get offered from friends. It’s been an interesting space to exist in. I’m slowly becoming comfortable with it. It’s not an easy space for me to feel comfortable in. Despite the discomfort, I know that it’s the best place for me to be in at this moment.
“[G]rowing into your future with health and grace and beauty doesn’t have to take all your time. It rather requires a dedication to caring for yourself as if you were rare and precious, which you are, and regarding all life around you as equally so, which it is.”
― Victoria Moran, Younger by the Day: 365 Ways to Rejuvenate Your Body and Revitalize Your Spirit